addiction and the aftermath

I was listening to Lucy Dacus and Phoebe Bridgers’ songs “Please Stay” (Dacus, Home Video) and “Graceland Too” (Bridgers, Punisher). The two songs pair together to describe their experiences with watching their close friend Julien Baker struggle with addiction, mental health issues, and recovering. Dacus’ “Please Stay” describes watching her friend slowly drowning in her battle with her mental health and giving in to suicidal thoughts, before she reportedly went to a rehabilitation center. Bridgers’ “Graceland Too”describes the aftermath of “getting clean” in rehab, and how it is only a small part of beginning recovery, and watching her friend difficultly gain strength and attempt to get better. I think the two together are not only beautiful, heartfelt love songs for a person they care for dearly, but they bring up a very important topic that doesnt get discussed enough, in my opinion. Recovery physically is such a small part of the recovery process. Getting on your feet and being stable is so much more than just walking out and beginning to take care of yourself.

I think the saddest types of songs, in my opinion, are not songs from the person who is struggling’s perspective, singing about their story. I think the saddest lyrics and songs are actually about another person’s struggles through the perspective of somebody who loves them, and them not knowing what to do to help them, expressing watching from aside somebody they care about going through their struggles and problems. Also highlighting the person’s coping and internal battle of guilt of writing about somebody else’s experience, their story, and comparing their bad feelings to the one theyre writing about. If the person who cares for them is feeling terrible, they can only imagine how bad the person actually going through the pain is feeling on a daily basis. It creates this vocalized guilt in throwing themselves “a pity party” when they arent the ones actually going through it.

But - they are. When somebody loves another person, that person is partially a part of themselves, just because they are such a part of their life. When you see somebody you love struggling, to the extent that Lucy Dacus describes in the track “Please Stay,” its going to affect you, and hurt you in different ways - but still powerfully. Nearly as much as the person struggling, because they are linked, and their souls are connected. In a metaphorical way, human beings who love one another are like trees in that way; our roots are connected, and when one tree is suffering, the other will, too. This is because of their connection. When another heals, the other will too. Nobody is alone, essentially - everyone is linked to other people, in a way, to people that they love. Everyone has lasting effects on their loved ones. Every decision they make, every thing they are going through, they are not alone in it.

While this can be somewhat of a guilt-bearing sensation, it is also relieving, somewhat. To know that you aren’t entirely alone when you are struggling, and when you are healing, you’re healing others, too. It’s an empowering idea, to say the very least.

“please stay” is abaout Julien’s struggles, while they were happening, and Lucy Dacus’ attempts that felt feeble in asking a person so far gone and in such a dark place, asking them to listen to her, to tell her whatever she needs to do for Julien.

Even from the title, we can understand exactly what the track is about. Lucy’s only request to Julien is that she stays alive. Addiction for Julien began in her teenage years, which she had been using as a coping mechanism for a deeper mental illness.

I think this is common. People with initially bad mental health states will use alcohol and drugs to cope, and then that becomes an additional problem. It’s another mental illness, given a different name, and sure, it may be more chemical in the body and internally, than just in the brain, but it is equally as lethal and the two can be linked often. Addiction, since it is slightly different, can start by using to cope with an already-rooted mental illness, before taking over your life and making you feel worse and unstable.

When Lucy writes the track “please stay,” she is writing from the state of mind she was in while being there for Julien, while Julien was obviously struggling to a dangerous level. I think this was before Julien was committed, and since has come out and been “clean” for many years now, at least from alcohol and drug use.

This leads to “graceland too,” Phoebe’s song, which is about what happens after somebody sobers up. How you don’t just dry up - it just doesn’t happen like that. You can extract everything that was causing your body harm from your body, but that doesn’t take away the initial cause of the beginning of the usage. It doesn’t take away from the fact that you are still suffering mentally. It just means you aren’t using it as a coping mechanism, but the root is still underlying.

Addiction is not something that washes away the same way you stop drinking and using. If that in itself is hard, it can be nearly impossible to get over the impulse and the addiction in itself. People are not done with their journey to stability and being okay, and it may never come.

When somebody sobers up, or starts to heal in physical ways, people assume they got better, and are “over it.” Someone told me once, “It’s never, ever going to get easier, you know that, right?” That’s really how it is. It doesn’t get easier. You learn how to manage it. But it never gets better, and a lot of people who haven’t been through the struggle cant understand this. You don’t just “dry up,” and it doesn’t all disappear, even if you have spent years recovering physically, or years sober.

Phoebe’s track is about what to do and how to be there for somebody. People can seem and look better, and you have no idea if they are better or worse than they were before. You have no idea. Because, we like to believe that we are empathetic creatures, as humans - and we are - sure. But it’s also so much about belief being based on proof. Having belief when there is nothing to back it up is difficult to do, and a lot of people can’t comprehend that. And so, if somebody looks completely healed, and seems so much better - it’s easy to think “they are better. Maybe they dont realize it, but they are better than they were. They just dont remember how bad it was, like I do.” Thats a very easy way to make yourself feel better, and to ease your mind, that your loved one is doing better, but it may not always be the case. And often times, its not.

Even though alcoholism and using is difficult and lethal, it was also acting as a way to heal from the deeper-rooted pain that that person was feeling. Now that they are no longer sedated, that person is likely feeling that pain more than ever, now. And they are suffering from withdrawal. There are so many other factors that what was once a coping mechanism has now added to their already struggling mental health. That person might feel they aren’t better, even worse, and not healed at all. Just because they seem fine, and are able to take care of themselves and survive, it does not entail or mean anything, but it is simply something they learned how to do again. You can train yourself to do these things, but it doesn’t make it easy.

People don’t often understand this if they haven’t been through it, and just because somebody looks like they are doing better because they have mastered looking better and doing better things, doesn’t mean they actually are better. I think there is something that is taken away, and a devaluing of that person’s feelings when we assume the best. It makes their issues seem smaller, when others think they know that they feel. It’s never right, it’s never the truth. Nobody remembers the truth better than the person who went through it does. I think a lot of people want to believe that, especially with addicts. It can be common to think they were using so much, they were too amped up or too drunk to remember how bad they were. No matter how inebriated a person is, in most situations for long periods of time, they will know how they felt. So much more than anyone else can. And this is just a truth within life.

Assumptions and trying to make that person feel better by telling them they don’t remember, they don’t understand… they were so much worse and to put things into a better perspective and to look at the good… These are not things that person typically wants or needs to hear. Because it is taking away from that person’s true feelings, and makes them feel like an imposter. They question their feelings, and wonder if they are false. Their feelings are not false. Feelings cannot be false. It’s simply what they feel, and trying to convince somebody that they aren’t feeling what they are, is not going to help anyone, and it won’t make matters better. Looking at the bright side is a great idea in theory, but it doesn’t help. It makes that person feel ungrateful, small, unheard, and unseen. It makes their struggles appear unimportant. By listening, by agreeing, and believing the person, actually does the right thing in a reverse way. It puts the problem in their shoes, and that is the only way somebody can help to get better. Doing simple things to feel good, and looking at the bright side… these are not methods that will be surefire and work substantially.

Rather, agreeing and telling a person, “Yes. Things are bad. What are you going to do about it?” Or, “What can I do to support you?” These are things that will actually move you and them forward. Because teaching moments are not always going to happen, and are not often accepted. If a person’s issues are so deep-rooted that they were on the verge of killing themselves, your answers and advice are not going to fix them. It simply does not work this simply. Even professionals can only help to a certain extent, but only the person fighting can fix themselves. This is why so many people lose the battle. Only you can do what you need to get better.

All of this being said, I think the way Lucy Dacus describes her way of being there for Julien Baker is exactly the right method. It puts how she feels down while not telling Julien what to do. It’s asking her what she needs, and there is such a difference between these two. It’s not giving advice, but agreeing and admitting to Julien’s words and struggles. It’s believing her, above all else.

Dacus explains that anything she offers as things that could help is not backed up by proof of helping. She is using all of the love she has to create things that could possibly be another alternative for a coping mechanism. I like the unsureness throughout the song. Lucy is giving all that she can, which is all you can do to help those you love.

With that piece of advice and internal reveling, you can view my full analysis on Dacus’ Please Stay, on my articles page.